YESTERDAY
Have a nice journey, sir!
Hold on! That one is mine!
He's crazy!
But Dad!
Are you always leaving? I always find him around.
Guys, the train to Empoli is leaving from platform three.
- To platform three! - Come, professor.
TODAY
- Here you are. - Thanks.
- What's going on? - Oh, God!
AL MY FRIENDS PART 2
No, look, you can't park here in the graveyard.
- SUPERCAZZORA BREMATURATA ? - Uh?
- I mean, premature supercazzola. - I don't understand.
- With unchapeling to the right. - Ah, the chapels!
They're there, on the right. But you can't park here.
I mean, an eye of privilege, as if it were antani for you.
- Tomb inspector. - Inspector, what are you talking about?
- Inspector... - Inspector?! - ... with will-o'-the-wisps.
- And how long are you staying? - Fiftain or seven. - Ah...
In the meanwhile, trinity confraternity quick wipe.
Ah, a quick wipe...
- Good morning. - Good morning.
- How much for the yellow ones? - One thousand five hundred.
- One thousand five hundred? - Yes! - And these...
this bunch of daisies? - One thousand.
- one thousand liras, gosh! - Eh, we can't make it less.
And those lilies, how much are twelve?
- Six thousand. - Fuck you!
Shit!
Director: Mario Monicelli
Hey, Sassaroli, come out!
Professor, don't be a fool.
You are a fool!
- Melandri, I was not saying that to you. - But I were
Didn't you have to sell encyclopedias in the countryside today?
Sure, to the chicken.
Didn't you have a report in Lucca?
He's also here, isn't he?
He called me, he said: "What are you up to today?" And I said: "Nothing".
He answered: "That's ok, I also got a Caesarean".
Oh, Mascetti.
Ah!
I was passing by.
Uhm.
Guys, why do we have to feel ashamed?
To remember the anniversary of a friend is not a crime
In fact, I say the opposite. Who is not here today...
...and I don't name names, but I'm telling him when I see him,
...has a cuckold dad, and as a consequence a slutty mom. Oh!
You shouldn't offend mom and dad, they also live here
...and could hear you. We should come more often.
If you expect his wife and his son to come...
- This is not a tomb. It's a pigsty. - Here.
Take that.
[And here we are, like four fools...]
[...but with this friendship that lasts since a long time ago, even after death...]
[...and despite all the differences between us.]
[Professor Sassaroli, renowned clinician and famous surgeon.]
[Rambaldo Melandri, architect of the municipality, not elected...]
[...but for a handful of votes, to the councillorship for public works.]
[Guido Necchi, owner of the restaurant bar of the same name.]
[and myself, Count Raffaello Mascetti, whom I don't even know...]
[...how to define. All united by unspoken rules:]
[...the right to make fun of each other the wish for laughter...]
[...for having fun, and the difficult taste for not taking ourselves ever seriously.]
- Look, what a nice widower! - I'm going.
- No, why you? I'm going. - no, we toss for it!
No, I've seen him first. He's mine.
[to his adored Adelina, the inconsolable Paolo]
Excuse me, do we know each other?
You don't, but I do. Adelina often told me about you, Paolo.
Are you a relative from Crotone?
Way more than a relative
Adelina really loved you, you know?
Excuse me, but you... Who are you?
The name doesn't matter. Now, before death...
...we have only understanding and forgiveness. We both...
...loved her, and she loved us both.
< Me, more physically, more carnally.
You more in a spiritual sense, Paolo.
What are you saying?
You were...
Adelina was...
- That's why my sorrow is like yours. - Is that possible?
We are brothers in sorrow, Paolo.
(crying) No, it's impossible.
Adelina, Adelina, you did that!
- But where? When? - When?
- It seems to me that I always loved her - It was...
...when I went to that electrical engineering course in Germany, wasn't it?
You should never go to Germany, Paolo.
< But let me hug you, Paolo.
< I wish only one thing: to become your friend...
...and to get old next to you...
...remembering our beloved Adelina,
...incomparable wife and lover!
Incomparable?
Incomparable slut! Slut! Bitch!
I don't allow you to insult my Adelina!
What are you talking about? You pig! She's not yours!
< This is not a civilized reaction. - I kill you!
Stop that!
- Hey, you disturb the sleep of our poor dead! -Shame on you!
Shame my balls! I would like to see you in my place!
This slut, ugly bitch! Thief!
Well! Well!
Take that, slut! Fuck you. I'm going away.
I don't harbour bitterness, Paolo.
- Take that! < I forgive you.
Do you want him to come back?
if it wasn't for us he would have butted you.
- That's because I did it well.
- You did too much. - Too explicit, obnoxious.
- It's a style. - I preferred Perozzi...
...he was finer, more delicate
usually, all ended with a hug.
< Eh... he was unique.
In funerals, deaths, burials, he was a master.
Do you remember when he made the baker's wife die?
to fuck her better.
< Perozzi was great.
< It was around 1966, I think. More or less.
[At that time Perozzi was already news editor.]
- Good morning. - Good morning, mr Perozzi.
- Tomorrow you're on strike - Am I?
- Yes, it's written here. - thank god.
[He got out of the newspaper's at the time when bakers opened.]
- Giorgio? > Yes?.
- What are you doing? > Here I am.
- Guess who's there. - What did the Pope do?
Let's go, we'll read the newspaper afterwards.
[then, when he had finished with the wife...]
[...he went to the husband with whom...]
[...he liked to have a funny relationship.]
Do you have croissants, Antonio?
< I always have them, mister Perozzi, still warm.
Indeed, still warm ready made.
I will take two more for my wife, please.
I take them from here, straight out of the oven.
You stayed till dawn even today, mr Perozzi?
- He must be really tired - Oh, especially in the lower back.
But I'm already used to it. If I went home earlier
...it would seem to me that I'm losing out on the best part.
- Here you are, mr Perozzi Thank you.
- Here you are, mr Antonio. - Have a nice day!
[I told him. be careful, Perozzino, listen to me...]
[...I am competent, an authority on the matter...]
[...and your wife is not like mine. Yours is a beast.]
Good morning, family. Hi, Laura. Hi, Luciano.
Oh, what a long night, guys!
Back in the days at 22:30 the town went to bed.
The news were done and good night.
Now everybody is awake, going out to destroy stuff
One robs, one snatches, one puts himself on fire, one drugs himself...
another one kills himself...
News come a mile a minute And then compose, recompose...
...make titles, remake them... lay out, do it again...
You know how it goes, the day comes.
Where?
At the newspaper. Where else?
I called the newspaper tonight
...Luciano had a sore throat and I wanted you to go to the pharmacy
- And you were already gone. -Ah! Poor little Luciano!
- I'm sorry. Say "ah" to dad. - I already said that to mommy!
I said that you were gone already
Eh, it's possible. Strange. What time?
At three. And it's seven!
Seven? No, no, it's quarter to seven.
It's seven!
- Go on. Look, it's quarter to seven - Seven o'clock!
Laura, do we want to make a tragedy for a quarter of an hour?
it's not a quarter of an hour it's years...
...the best years of my life that you stole from me.
What did I do? I even passed by to buy you croissants...
- The croissants as well...
...ugly pig! You swore three times that you were done with her...
...that it was over. Pig, you and her too!
May she die in an accident!
Don't send accidents 'cause yours come. And then you regret that
May she die of an accident immediately! Now!
And they had even warned me, I didn't want to believe them
Do we have to talk in front of the child?
Luciano should know who is his father
...and then, there is not much to say
...I'm leaving. I go back to my parents. This time is enough.
Come on, Laurina, let's make peace.
Go away, boob of a liar!
Luciano, see?
Dad did everything he could
That is nothing!
Come, mum wants to bring you to the grandparents. It's ok.
- Me? - Not me, for sure. Come on...
...take your jacket, don't make mum wait.
Come on, let me help you. I'll bring it.
Laura, the child is ready. but think again, Laura.
The child? Ah, you keep him.
- Me? - Ah, my dear...
...too easy. You keep Luciano. you care about him.
So that you learn what it means to have a son.
< But Laura! Think about him, he's innocent!
...take him with you. Luciano needs you, his mom.
And I need calm, peace. The peace I never had with you.
Never! Never!
- So? - Who takes me to school?
Didn't you say you had a sore throat?
Mum made it up to call you
Got it, we're not sleeping today.
[First, he had to move to the day shift at the newspaper...]
[...in order not to leave the child alone at night.]
- Dad! - Holy shit!
< It doesn't count! - Why? It does count!
He pushed my elbow, Jesus Christ!
- It counts, it counts. - Should I score it?
- Two less, score it. - No, score my balls.
See what you did? What do you want?
I want to go home. You have to take me home.
Home? That early? What do you want to do there?
Sleep. It's late and I'm sleepy.
I'm not. Go watch the film on the TV.
I don't like it.
Then there's a juke box, the flipper.
It's the land of toys. Go, go.
I'm not Pinocchio. And tomorrow I have to get up early...
...I have to study history and natural sciences. Study is study!
He's right, poor child. He's been wandering from a chair to another
...for three hours. Don't you see he's tired?
Then, Carmen, prepare a double coffee for the child
so that we can finish the game. - I suggest an intravenous injection
I think you're all mad
Isn't that easy, mr Perozzi? To be a dad and a husband?
...with a housewife, easy!
All right, let's go to bed early then
- Where did you put your jacket - No! That's impossible.
You go on
- No, I have to go < Where?
I have to go, I'm busy.
Tonight and tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Did you forget the appointment I took for the quintet?
We can make a quartet since Perozzi has the child...
...but not a trio!
What's up tomorrow?
It's saturday the 30th. Don't you remember.
Oh, shit!
Even if it were the day after that it would be the same.
You're over with evenings out.
Holy fuck of his mother.
How can I do? Christ! I can't renounce to everything for you!
Got it? Fuck me, let's go.
[The yearly prize of the Polyphonic Academy in Arezzo...]
[...is the most important goal for a choir.]
[We had prepared well to present ourselves...]
[...in front of that fine audience and very strict committee...]
[...in the best conditions, concerning shape and synergy.]
#But fuck zum.#
#But fu...#
#But fuck zum. Zum.#
#Bom, bom, bom, but fuck zum.#
#O slut, you betray me...#
#...you say: "I come" and instead you piss.#
#But fuck zum.#
#Bom, bom, bom, but fuck zum.#
#Who fucks screws yes, yes he screws...#
#...who screws fucks, yes, yes fucks.#
< I don't know what's going on.
- #Ahhhh...# < ...call the police!
< Send them away!
< Go away!
< Out! Shame on you!
Let's go! Let's go!
Wait for me!
Oh, the kid!
[The life of Perozzi with the kid was hell...]
[...so that, instead of Necchi's bar, we used to gather at his place...]
[...to help him. Everybody except Melandri...]
[...who was a fugitive since a while Too bad...]
[...'cause with four players we could play scopone.]
- A nice jack! - A nice scopa.
What the fuck, already scopa. How many jacks did you have?
Many.
Many? I have two, look!
> Silence please! I can't sleep!
- plus 2 it's 4, asshole. - It's ok, then it's safe for later...
Make a scopa now, can you?
We can't play like that, guys!
You show him the cards! Then of course he's safe now!
> Dad! - Dad my balls!
I'm not playing anymore. We can't play like that.
It's not funny to argue in a low voice.
Kids are kids.
This is a strange one. I've never seen any like him.
You know what? He never laughs.
Like his mother. He doesn't have a sense of humour.
In fact he has, how do you call the opposite?
The sense of breaking my balls.
That's it. I can't stand him. I can't stand him.
Of course, if he were a dog it would be better.
A dog is better, you keep it in a corner
...you say "quiet", and it's over
The most you have to do is taking it out.
Then, if it's annoying, you kick him and leave him on the highway.
You really can't compare.
If you really want there are places where they keep them.
How do you call them? Kennels?
They exist for kids as well.
And they call them kiddels?
They call them boarding schools
A boarding school, how did I not think about that...
It's the solution. Who knows a good one?
- Yellow pages! < Shh!
- Yellow pages. Schools. On the shelf.
< Expensive places, you know.
I can offer up to...
...100 000 a month even more, 150 000.
Hold on! Awarded. I take him for 150 000.
Ah, oops, here you are, finally!
< See, she's aunt Alice...
...and she is Melisenda, Mela.
Hi, little one.
pleased to meet you
And that's yours... Come, I show you.
...your castle. Here you are...
...you will sleep here, an elevated and well ventilated position.
There's even a little window. I will sleep in the middle and aunt Alice...
...will sleep in the bottom, instead of the kid.
Don't you have other rooms?
< What other rooms? One room with compartments, like in Japan.
See, that's the wardrobe...
...with a closet and a wall mirror
You've seen the night section up to now,
but we also have the daytime section.
< I'll show you the kitchen
Here it is, a wonderful kitchen.
Voilà, everything is rationally distributed, like in Japan.
where do I make my homework?
In the study
That's not a serious table. I need more space.
He's right, little one.
- Lello, here, take her. - Come - here you are
That's it. I will finish tomorrow with the ironing
In the meanwhile I will prepare the dinner
Would you like a nice frittata?
With spinach?
< No, only potatoes and chestnuts
Well, chestnuts... Only potatoes?
It fills up and keeps up. Do we have eggs?
- Yes, two. - Not really enough. We should have a little reinforcement
Silence, please!
- I go make a call. - All right
- And I buy a little reinforcement for the dinner. < All right.
Is she quiet?
< Almost dead. She's almost two and she doesn't walk nor speak.
Ah.
Oh, we made it even today.
So, Lucianino, how do you feel, lonely without your dad?
We're even too many for my taste.
I called your dad. He told me to check...
...your homework. - I finished them.
Good, then I wait for you in the study
Light.
Let's see. Is it this one? The last one?
"Florence, 5 october 1966. Today, the 5th of october
"I moved to the house of a friend of my dad.
What's that?
It's the diary our teacher wants us to keep at the end of every day
- Nice, a smart teacher.
"he says he is a count
"...but he lives in a japanese-style basement...
"...cold and wet, with no phone...
"...no hot water and the toilet with the big feet.
"And a little cooker where his wife prepared a little frittata
"...with two eggs, which we ate in three.
"Plus a 'reinforcement', like he calls it, of nine olives...
"...fifty grams of cheese and a quarter of wine.
"All, board and lodging, for 150 000 liras...
"...that looks to me like a robbery. Even though he, to appear like a 'Count'...
"...calls a 'castle' a thing with three rooms
Coffins!
"with three coffins.
"Where I will have to sleep with his wife...
"...a woman slim and perfect like her name, Alice...
"...and the daughter Mela, who is luckily not annoying...
"...because she is handicapped, unable to speak and walk at this age
".... I say that this count is either a great liar...
"...or he's reduced himself to desperation.
Bravo. Ten, cum laude.
Children and fools, who makes them keeps them.
How?
I'm giving you your child back.
Boss, Cecchi called from Prato, a kidnapping.
- Send Porcilai, with a photographer. - Good.
But I gave him to you not even 24 hours ago.
It was enough for him to humiliate my house...
...tell me that I starved to death and destroy my family!
But I gave you an account.
And I give it back.
Look. It's all written in the book. See?
"Give 50 000 to Perozzi on the first occasion.
And what should I do with him?
Do you want an advice? Reconcile with his mother.
Because with him you have no salvation. He sees everything...
...notices everything and writes everything. - I'm sorry, serious news:
...a bus fell in the Ombrone. There should be 7 victims...
...and 11 injured. It seems that the driver was not in the best condition for driving.
[And then the intuition, the ingenuity that made Perozzi...]
[...a superior being, we have to admit.]
- How many victims did you say? Seven? - Seven. - Let's make it eight.
- Here it says seven. - Give it to me, I'll take care. - Ok.
Hi, Pirillo.
Who's that? Saint mother!
Stay quiet, Pirillo. It's me. Don't you recognize me?
Quiet!
Pirillo, quiet.
What's the matter?
- Quiet. - I have something serious to tell you.
- Luciano? < No, he's at school. He's fine.
So what?
Should we talk outside, under the rain, through the bars.
- As if I were a criminal. - You said that.
All right.
Then read.
Why, is it someone we know?
- Read the list of the victims. - "Franco Dominici, 50, Siena...
"...Rolando Evangelista, 11, Grosseto, Ernestina Freni...
"...48, Chiusi, Anita Esposito, 34, Firenze, Giulio Bertacca...
Anita Esposito, that one?
You will be happy now.
I never wished her death.
No, you said only: "May she die in an accident".
But it's those things you say in difficult moments.
Yes, but now she's dead.
Just a tip: next time be more careful when you speak.
Now, we should just forget the past.
Unfortunately. And go on with a normal life.
If you want. I don't ask for me, I speak for Luciano.
The kid needs you. He's always looking for you.
[It was genius, nothing to say.]
Finally!
Until I had that asshole around I couldn't move.
Luckily now his mother is back.
How did you manage?
Do you really want to know, rascal?
I convinced her that everything was over, that for me...
...you were dead. - Right, did you see that?
- Crowns, flowers, 11 telegrams. - Ah yes.
I noticed. What happened?
I don't know. My name was on the newspaper.
- Maybe a joke. - How? Who could make such...
...a bad joke? People are not so mean.
Only an asshole could make such a thing.
No, must be someone with the same name, a coincidence.
It happens all the time, you know.
Know what?
The idea of making love to a corpse is not bad after all.
I feel an attack of necrophilia.
[And that's how the perozzian genius put everything back...]
[...and life could go on like before.]
[Except for Melandri, who had disappeared...]
[...since he was trying to have a very, very different one.]
Hey guys, bad weather! It's always raining.
It has been raining for how long?
It must be at least a week.
If not more, isn't it?
Melandri, you don't show up since 4 weeks, and you ask about the weather?
Guys...
...on saturday I'm getting baptized.
What?
You don't say anything?
I'm at a loss for words.
I have them, but it's better that I don't speak.
I want to throw up.
Your poor dad will turn in his grave
My father was not a believer, but he was a civilized man.
He didn't baptize me so that I was free to choose.
"When you will have the age of wisdom", he said.
Age of wisdom, 48.
It's never too late.
- The important thing is to get faith. - Eh! - Eh.
I was always different
All other children had a guardian angel, and I didn't
- So I'm getting baptized < In the Jordan?
I tell you. Don't make fun of me
...just to make me angry. Anyway I'm not getting angry anymore
I will just turn the other cheek.
How could you reduce yourself to that?
I met an angel.
Oh!
A male or female angel?
Angels don't have a gender.
Well, does it have boobs or not?
In the physical, human appearance...
Yes, she has the breast, but that's not our relationship.
Noemi is a saint creature, full of faith, full of devotion...
...sister of a pious priest she took my hand...
...and guided me out of the tunnel.
Guys, are you even listening? He fell in love with a bigoted woman
And to get her, he also wants to be churchy. We now you!
Go, go, Melandrone, but make us the favour of not showing up...
...until you fucked her.
And when you're back in the tunnel.
Guys, guys, I have only you.
- Who wants to be the godfather? - Me! Me!
I served at the mass for four years
< I have the right dress - Let's toss it up
- Break shot - All right. Break shot.
Ready!
[The privilege of being the godfather of Melandri... ]
[...was awarded for a break shot. Perozzi won by a few millimetres...]
[...that we had to measure with a gauge.]
She is my godmother, Noemi Bernocchi. My friends.
- Professor Sassaroli. - Pleased to meet you.
- Count Mascetti. - My pleasure.
- Barista Necchi. - Nice to meet you. - Perozzi, I'm the godfather.
come, come, father.
- Don Angelo Bernocchi. - My brother.
- Nice to meet you.
Don Angelo Bernocchi!
< Reverend Bernocchi!
Ah, I'm sorry. Tapioca tharapy...
...as if it were antani the premature supercazzola...
...cum dominus vobiscum blinde? - I beg you pardon?
Therapy with the supercazzola with unchapeling to the right or to the left?
- No. The right chapel is on the left. - Antipodes!
- But you didn't need to do that!
- Just a thought - a souvenir for this holy day.
- You know, in these situations...
...you never know what to give, so you end up with the classics.
- Do you like the dummy? - I also got a classic
A plate with small cutlery and a small glass
Look, if you don't like the duck we can change:
...they also have Bambi and Pinocchio - No, the duck's ok!
My mother embroidered it Ah, sorry!
It's for you, Melandri.
I'm sorry for them, they always want to be funny...
- Today is a merry day. - God helps happy people.
- Come don Angelo, I dress you up. -
- Thank you anyway. We have many poor children
- Godmother! what did you buy as a present? - A feeding bottle?
- No, a chain with a medal - Ah I see.
[It was a really touching ceremony...]
[...with noteworthy moments.]
- Rambaldo, do you renounce Satan? - I do renounce.
Amen.
Do you renounce the temptations of the evil and its pomp?
- You renounce boobs? - Pomp, pomp!
I do renounce!
Amen.
The godfathers shall put a hand on the shoulder of the catechumen.
Of the catechumen!
- I don't know what that means. - That's me. That's me.
I didn't know, I'm sorry. He looked more catechumen.
Sorry.
Is that ok?
I baptize you, in the name of the Father...
...of the Son...
...and of the Holy Spirit - Amen.
#Fairest daughter of love,#
#I am a slave to your charms;#
#with but a single word you could#
#relieve my every pain.#
#Pa pappero pa pappero pa pappero pa pappa.#
#Pa papapappero pappero pappa, pa papapappero pappero pappa.#
[We left him there, raptured.]
[We got fewer and fewer news, but every time more depressing.]
[He went along with an ancient pious brotherhood...]
[...that worked for deeds of humility and charity.]
Mr Melandri, you're already there, could you also cut my nails?
[Until, in november, I got some tasty news...]
[...and I told them.] - Professor, the phone.
- Is that the right moment? - It's a matter of life or death.
It's a man called Mascetti. - Put him through.
Yes, tell me. A roman centurion? No, no...
...but I'll find it. But why?
Ah, yes, yes, I'm coming, but not as a centurion, as a senator. See you!
Take everything out, quick!
Take him back to the bed, the operation is postponed.
- But he's already anesthetized - It's a matter of life or death.
Make the exams again, then we'll see. Sister? Sister!
...one of those big bed sheets - Green?
No, not green! White, white!
#Lord, you are my shepherd:#
#...I lack nothing.#
#He makes me lie down in green pastures,#
#...he leads me beside quiet waters...# - There he is! He's coming!
- The enemy of the Jews! - Ecce homo.
Noemi's also there. She is Mary.
< No, not Mary, don't you see? She is Magdalene.
- See? - Who are you?
Who am I? I'm Judas? Don't you see?
I told you everything. I even have the bag...
...with thirty denarii, the rope to hang myself.
You, but you should be already dead by now.
No, I'm not even regretful.
And I throw stones! Let's stone him!
< Let's whip him!
< To death!
- Ouch! Ouch! - Take that!
Massacre! Spit him! He is a scoundrel!
- Ouch! Are you serious? - Dog of an infidel!
Yes, kick him in the ass!
Who's that?
It's you!
It hurts. Stop, you faggots!
Shut up and turn the other cheek!
Take that, fool!
Come on, spit on him!
- You are sons of a... - Don't offend the mother!
...the mother! - Otherwise we take revenge on yours!
Take that!
Take that! To death!
< Show some respect!
< Madam, he's not Jesus, he's a random fool!
- Let's not exaggerate! - No, Magdalene...
...he has to drink the whole sour goblet - Take the cross...
...On the shoulders. Come on! < Come on! Come on!
...It's the Calvary! It's not a field trip!
- Go on! - Whip him! - Traitor!
Gentle!
- Come on, lift him up! - Gently? No mercy!
Come down if you can! Quick, the sponge with vinegar!
I'll take care of it!
What sponge?
< What are you doing? That's not vinegar, it's dirty water. No!
< Drink! Drink, clean your soul with this water.
< Give me the spear.
Ouch! Guys, please, it really hurts, stop!
Let's go! Let's go! It's raining!
- What, you leave me here? < Who cares!
Take me down!
Ohhh!
Rambaldo! Rambaldo!
Are you ok?
- O heaven! - Good Lord, what a face hit!
Come on! Quick, you two!
Wait for me!
Hey, I'm coming!
[And Jesus said:]
Would you come to my place for a candlelight dinner?
[Magdalene answered]
Yes, but at my place, not yours.
> Another cognac? > No, thanks, it's enough.
I have been a sinner.
But now that I am completely out of it, I can say it:
...sometimes sin...
...has something great in it.
Maybe it's true, but maybe...
...that's the reason it's even greater to renounce it.
Yes, yes, yes, of course...
...but without sin where would be...
...the sublime beauty of repentance?
Rambaldo, it's late. Go home!
- Late? - It's dawn.
Yes, it's the dawn. But it's still raining.
Maybe it's a sign.
It looks like someone up there wants that we stay together
Oh God!
The light is out!
Another sign. They want us to stay together and in the dark!
Don't swear!
Go home, Rambaldo. I'll give you an umbrella.
It was only a joke, a joke! You don't trust me anymore.
I'm not a beast anymore. I'm a christian.
Yes, Rambaldo.
But the flesh is weak, and I don't trust neither you, nor me.
I trust Mary. She will protect me!
And I trust my guardian angel.
Your navel is a rounded goblet that never lacks blended wine.
Your graceful legs are like jewels,
What are you saying?
It's the Bible!
Your waist is a mound of wheat encircled by lilies.
Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle.
- Your nipples... - Stop, Rambaldo!
It's the Bible, it's not Playboy!
But there they speak about two holy newlywed
We will also marry afterwards!
- Show me your fawns! I beg you, I beg you. - No, no.
- Show me your fawns! - Rambaldo, please. No!
Yes! Then we repent!
- Don't worry! - No, no, no!
- Please, Rambaldo. No! - My love, how beautiful!
Save me Lord! Have mercy! Save me Lord!
> All this water in the house! - Take me away from his arms.
> Oh Mary, the house is flooded! - Excuse me for a moment. - Yes, save me!
- Excuse me for a little while! > What's up?
> Run! Run, the dresser is floating!
> Quick! Come down!
The Arno has flooded the town!
Oh, merciful God, you listened to me!
In your infinite goodness, you saved me!
He sent the deluge, O Lord, I thank you!
Say thank you, Rambaldo!
You stupid!
And God, to keep you a virgin...
...drowns the whole Florence?!
Oh, God, I live at the ground floor!
I have two dressers from the 1400s, a tapestry by Mantegna.
Ancient books! My paintings!
What are you doing?
- I'm going home! < Rambaldo!
> Sir Count, what do you say?
We are like uphill, water can't get up there. Don't wor--
Anita!
Anita, wake up, we're drowning! Anita!
What's up?
Oh what a disaster!
< what a disaster!
< The flood!
< My gold! My pearls!
Ah!
My pearls!
Leave your pearls! Where are my pants!
Put something on you, idiot!
> Anita, it's the flood, open!
Just a moment, I can't! I'm in the toilet!
> Come down!
Anita, Anita, I'm coming!
Oh God, my husband!
Go! Anita!
Anita, you're safe!
Yes, my love, but take me away now. Quick! Quick!
Yes, but let's save something first.
Mr Perozzi, what are you doing here underwater?
I'm reporting for the newspaper about the disaster.
With my jacket and my hat?
Mr Antonio...
...what's you first impression on this tragedy?
I'll make a tragedy!
You big slut!
- It hurts! Please! - You're a bitch!
- You're a bitch! - Help!
[An infernal mess, a public scandal. ]
[And the wife of Perozzi knew that the baker's wife, dead...]
[...a first time, risked death a second time, for real.]
[And then she left Perozzi's life, permanently.]
[Luckily taking the child with her.]
God and Mary, what a misery.
It looks like Venice.
What a tragedy, guys!
This flood flooded us inside.
Let's not exaggerate.
It took everything from me: lover, wife and son.
It wiped out my faith, with a dresser and two tapestries...
...twenty millions worth. - You haven't seen my bar...
...I found four fish...
...in the coffee machine. - And me?
I lost the castle with three mattresses...
...a table, two chairs, three pairs of shoes, two for men and one for women.
And my jackets, two of them. The rest is all shortened.
< Guys, I don't feel at ease.
It's not my fault if I'm an authority...
...a baron of medicine with an attic and the clinic on top of a hill
I fucked the flood and you all
What should I do? Should I leave?
No, guys, we have to stay together, united.
I tell you, it's a bad moment...
...but if we're all together I'll get over it. - Right...
...What shall we do today? - Water skiing!
Bravo, that's what we needed!
That coward of his wife didn't want to forgive him
Not even on his death bed, do you remember?
Eh, women, I don't want to speak badly about them...
...but some really are hard-hearted.
Guys, about women,
...I fell in love. - Of whom?
Of someone who likes chips.
So I started to cook them every possible way
Sticks, slices, little balls...
...she also fell in love with me.
Those who like chips have good sex, you know?
This I don't know yet. The key date is tomorrow.
- What day is tomorroy? - The 15th.
Sunday! What day is the bar closed...
...and you have to take Carmen out for dinner and to the cinema.
Oh fuck, I forgot. What should I do now?
I'll go in your place.
I'll bring her the chips and plug her.
Yes, but we need to plug my wife, otherwise...
I'll plug her.
Let's not joke about it. It's the serious stuff in life.
Antani? How is the supercazzola?
- What? - Blinda.
< What should I do now? < What does it take...
...you tell her: "Carmen, this sunday we skip the cinema"
In Italy, the man has the power
No. Man has no power, he does what he wants. It's different.
Ah! I play the 'rose bunch', I never did.
That one always works!
I'll buy them. Two dozens.
No, not so many.
One is enough. Twelve.
- Scarlet red, with a long leg. - Sure.
With this much I get twelve dandelions!
- Take. - Now, describe us in detail...
...the girl of the potatoes
Look, they made it in the Uffizi museum. Portrait of Mary.
Sure. Mary with an old man.
Let me see. Cute!
Too bad she has somewhat short legs
"Short woman is all a hole"
[The 'bunch of roses' is a system I invented.]
[Very antifeminist, but very effective...]
[...in emergency situations.]
Guido, don't hurry me!
I go out once per week, and I like to prepare well.
I like to have you make a good impression
Who's that on sunday at this time?
Madam Carmen Necchi?
- Yes. Finally. Take. - Thanks.
Take. It's for you.
- What's that? - What's that?
Twelve red roses. Look.
There are only nine, not twelve
- Nine? Why nine? - yes.
Who sends them.
Son of a bitch.
Why do you say that, you don't even know who he is!
I know he's a son of a bitch if he sends you roses. Who's that?
I don't know
Then, let's read this note. Why are you buying time?
< Open it!
- What's in there? - Nothing, it's not even signed.
Give it to me!
With Passion
Ah, ahh. Who's that?
I swear, Guido, I don't know anybody, I have no idea...
...of who that is. It may be...
- A kind client. - Yes. And he writes "with passion"...
...because maybe you put too much pepper in the beans...
...and his ass is burning! -Guido...
You teased him, you were a flirt...
...you were all flailing while you served him...
...you rubbed your boobs on him while you put...
...his jacket on. Let me go out! Let me go out.
It's better that I leave before I do something stupid!
What are you doing? You don't even bring me to the cinema?
Sure, to the cinema! So that you can rub on someone. In the dark!
But where are you going?
Where do cuckolds go? To get drunk!
Holy shit! They cut off the gas.
< But why? The last notice said "in three days"...
...and it wasn't even one month ago!
I have the bill in the pocket of my jacket
< Hey!
< Are you crazy?
Don't exaggerate! We will fix it, right?
We can't even die in this house.
We've had worse!
What are you doing?
- Leave me alone! I want to die! - What's wrong with you?
- I want to die! - What's with death! - Leave me alone!
- What did I do? - Help!
I got it. Then?
- And then... - What? Uh?
What? Are you doing the supercazzola with me?
No! I'm speaking softly.
- This pregnancy must absolutely be interrupted. - Yes, an abortion!
- You want her to have an abortion, don't you? - Are you crazy?
- Why? It's not a crime any more. - Ah, right! Then let's do it immediately.
- Who's the father? - She won't tell.
Maybe a worker. Anyway, not someone from our class.
Otherwise it would be a disaster!
Hey! We still are the Mascetti Counts!
- Would you make me this favour? - Yes. As long as the impregnated agrees.
- Who? - The gravid, the impregnated. In your case, the minor.
- Couldn't you use more respectful words? - Between us?!
Between us my balls! The whole hospital is here!
It's serious.
So serious that I cannot intervene without the consent of the gravid.
I have to interrogate her. Take her here one of these days.
- What, one of these days! Tomorrow! - All right. - Sassaroli!
- For goodness sake! Keep it between us. - Professional confidentiality.
- Bring him back to the bed. - But he's a desperate case!
Indeed! It's useless to waste time.
Thank you. Good morning!
Necchi bar. Oh! What scoop?
Don't tell me!
- Am I not coming?! I'm flying! - And my playslip?
Let me see! Anyway this one is not winning.
Carmen!
I'm going out for one hour. Do you mind? - No.
- I take a 50 for the petrol. - Okay.
Ah! Keep an eye on the betting desk.
- Yes. Listen! - Oh!
- In your opinion, who can it be? - Who? What?
The man of the roses!
- But who cares? I've forgiven you. - Just out of curiosity!
You, as a man, who do you say?
Me, as a man, that one in the back.
He has the face of a fool. See you!
- Enjoy your meal. - Thank you.
So, my girl... Come in!
- May I? - What are you doing here?
- He called me. - We need witnesses for this.
< So, with tact, I said: "He'd rather have him than a stranger".
- Come, Necchi. Sit down. < Thank you.
- With tact, right? - Am I late?
- Him too?! - We need two witnesses.
I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with these things.
I didn't know if it was enough, so I brought one more.
Come in, mr Benetti. Benetti Rodolfo, known as Cantuccio.
- Good morning! - Out! Out of here!
Calm down!
You are hyenas laughing on other people's misfortunes.
Come on, Mascetti! Don't be hysterical.
We are just trying to play it down because we are friends!
We're here to help you. If you are the father, I could be the uncle.
- Me too! - All uncles of the corrupt.
- All pieces of the same mechanism. - All pieces of shit.
Go, come on!
Mela, here, before witnesses of pristine honesty I ask you:
..."Are you consenting and convinced to interrupt your pregnancy?".
- Are you? - She is, she is! - The gravid must answer.
I didn't get the question. What do you want to do to me?
I'll use simpler words.
< Do you want to take out of your womb the fruit of your sin, of your lust?
- One more word, and I make a carnage! - Lello!
- You must have an abortion. - No! - You must have an abortion! - No, I won't abort!
- Have an abortion! - I'd rather jump out of the window.
- I'll throw you! < No! No! - Come! Bitch of a bitch.
Lello! Stop!
She said no, and it's no.
I made the kid. I also count for something, don't I?
Stay calm.
Count, you have to consent to the marriage with the metal worker.
- Do you think you are a feudatory in the middle ages?
A worker brings home 850, 900.000 liras a month!
- Really? - Yes! Plus the christmas bonus. - And the escalator.
All right. But the bastard must have a name!
- I'd call him Guidobaldo. A local name... - But who?
- The bastard! - A name, I mean a father. A surname!
We have to know who is Mela's seducer.
Interesting point! Who could be able to mount her.
- I want to see his face! - I can't imagine him.
- I'll do that. - Be gentle, right?
Melisenda, will you tell me who's that? The dad lets you marry him.
- Will you tell me? - Lello!
Who had the courage of abusing you?
How could he? Speak, bitch!
- How do you dare saying bitch to my daughter? - You just said that.
- But I'm her father. Who are you? - Didn't we say I'm the uncle?
- He must be a monster. - A psycopath.
- A maniac. - A degenerate. - Come on! He's not a werewolf!
- She's also a woman, after all. - Tell us, my love.
- I was clearing the table... < What did you say?
- I was clearing the table! - What? - It's clear! She was clearing the table.
- Clearing the table where? - She works in a company canteen.
- Is it there that the mount happened? - I was clearing the table...
Before, during or after meals?
[When the accused is tight-lipped and noncommittal...]
[...the Court takes him to the crime scene...]
[...hoping for an emotional breakdown.]
- How many there are? - A lot. - 600 seats at least.
Ok. Let's narrow it down. You were clearing which table.
- That one down there. - Come! - No! No! I don't want! I'm ashamed.
Architect, I still don't understand how the copulation could take place...
...while the corrupt was clearing the table. - I don't agree, professor.
In fact, the position is favourable since, prone on the table...
I'll kick you in the ass!
- Dad, it was like that. - See?
I was clearing the table someone came from the back...
...put my skirt on my head and took advantage. - A rape!
< Didn't you resist? - I was clearing the table!
< But who was that, darling? Say that now. - I don't know!
- I didn't see him. But from the voice he seemed ... - He seemed?
- The assistant cook. < Not even a cook. An assistant!
- How much does an assistant cook make? - Less than a cook.
Excuse me, madam.
- Do you know the assistant cook? - Who? Giovannone?
Yes, Giovannone. What person is he? An okay guy?
- Well, guy... He must be about 45. - 45 years old? - At least!
- Are you sure? - Yes
- Yes. He has a 20 years old son and two married daughters.
- He's a widower! - a widower?!
But why don't you ask all of these questions to him? He's in the kitchen.
- Giovannone! - What's up?
Someone wants you!
- What's up? - Blinda the supercazzola with unhooding to the left...
...and to the right as if were a big pot... - I didn't understand a fuck.
There! It's the information I wanted. Thank you.
- Come on! React! - Lello...
- ...we'll make the gypsy trip. - Don't be like that!
- Be a man! - React!
< Sure! The gypsy trip! < Come on! Don't put yourself down!
Go away!
I'll give him a name. It will be Mascetti.
< Raffaello Mascetti, like his grandfather.
Mela, Alice, let's go!
[In order to distract Mascetti, we needed something concrete.]
[One of those things that we call jokes...]
[...that are more exciting and adventurous...]
#I am a slave to your charms;#
#Plon plon plon.#
#with but a single word you could#
#relieve my every pain.#
- Look! - Ouch!
TOWER SERVICE
Get out of the way! Attention, unsafe tower!
Move out! Move out! - Clear up the way, yellow flag!
Imminent danger! tapioca therapy with the supercazzola quarantine.
< ...emergency intervention! Stay clear!
- Holy Mary, The bubble is at 170°.
Imminent collapse! Imminent collapse! - Leave the tower, don't panic
- Attention, safety zone, step back! - We set up the barriers, don't cross the barriers!
- Don't panic, orderly walk down
- Leave the tower, step down from the tower
- Evacuate!
- Volunteers for the poles, come on!
- All fit and unfit men at the poles! - I take care of the ropes
< Help us, please!
Quick! Let's make emergency teams. Come on! Every second counts.
< Five men per pole... < Mesdames et messieurs...
< Poles on the west side! Five more...
...for the second pole! < C'est dangereux!
< Come on for the third pole, - Melandri: Quick!
< volunteers of all nationalities - Halt!
- Slowly! < Ladies and gentlemen, leave the leaning side!
- Come on, support it, vertically
Very well, second pole there, very good
Here, Bravissimi!
Get out of the tower! Evacuate! Run down but without making it vibrate!
> Leave the space around the tower! - Slowly!
- Tiptoe.
- you Japanese as well. - What's up?
- Yukudi! - Sayonara!
More teams, come on! On the other side, at the ropes, at the cables!
All of you with me, on the east side.
< ...this square.
- Drop it! - Careful, I drop the rope.
Those who are not working should leave the square. There, take it!
Make a chain
- Attention to the second rope! - Pull, pull to death!
You, brave kamikaze, come here! Come to this side.
All here, support the base, straight arms
Push, very well.
- it's the last one, I don't have more.
Hold on, it's an absolute emergency,
we are waiting for the army, Tower Corps.
Pull strongly, the tower is World Heritage. - What's happening?
Don't you see how it's leaning, do you think it's normal?
Pull, pull!
Stop there, you make a balance weight.
There is the Tower Corps!
- Let's go! Let's go! - Oh, the police!
- Wait! - Wait for me!
Hey, I'm leaving!
- Hey, but where are you going? - To Bologna, the Asinelli tower, that one too
Police is coming
- Hey, where did they go? - To Bologna!
Necchi, go into some alley, we have to clear up.
Hey!
Go! Go!
Ready!
< We screwed them over < What a show, guys!
< It's a pity we don't even have a picture. Oh, shit!
- Good morning. - Good morning.
- Didn't you see the no entry sign? - Excuse me.
Antani as if it were an unhooding tapioca tharapy
unhooding of strangers?
Ok, you are strangers, but the signs are international.
Give me your license, please.
- Here you are. - Thank you.
< Are you mr Verdirame Augusto, from Brescia?
Sure, Verdirame! My name's Necchi!
< Necchi? Then this isn't your license!
- What? Let me see. - Look!
- That's a mistery! - Exactly
Didn't you leave it home? Come on, calmly reconstruct the events.
Reconstruct! Near Porta Prato I noticed I didn't have my license.
I came back, honked...
...for a while, since my wife was sleeping...
...then I asked her to throw down my wallet. She threw this...
- It's really a mistery... - ...
Sorry, but usually, where do you keep your wallet?
In the back pocket of the pants, like everybody.
And your pants, when you take them off, where do you put them?
< On the chair next to the bed, like everybody. - Indeed!
Like mr Verdirame Augusto from Brescia.
So? Mr Verdirame Augusto puts them on a chair...
...next to his bed in Brescia. - Yes, when he's in Brescia.
And when he's in Florence, he puts them on your chair.
< It seems clear.
How? I don't understand.
Mr policeman, you got it... It's a delicate case...
- There has been an exchange. - ...a common one, but still delicate.
Sure, given the situation, we'll turn a blind eye.
Don't worry mr Becchi. It's fine for me
Necchi!
That's why she didn't get upset when I told her about the gypsy trip.
- In fact, she said: "Go, have fun!". - What a bitch!
- How do you dare? She's my wife. - And what about my daughter...
...is she a bitch and your wife isn't? - You can't say that!
- Put off your hands or I'll spit on you! - Try!
Fuck! I spat on my shirt.
Go! Get out of here!
> Oh! Oh! Oh!
Is that how you start!? You'll break my neck.
I'll break someone else's neck once I get home.
- Revenge is best served cold. - So what?
Don't let her know that you know. Make her betray herself.
Look at her moves. Don't use violence, but smartness.
- Be smart like a stag - What a stupid thing to say
The stag is not smart. I could be smart like a fox.
Sure, but the fox doesn't wear horns.
- I'll kill you! - Keep your hands off.
- I'll spit on you! - Try!
- I'll spit on you! - Try! < Stop that!
- Eh! - You'll pay for my jacket!
What smartness.
I'll have her tell the name of his man by the force of my fists.
I can tell you the name
Verdirame Augusto, born in Brescia in 1940. Do you want the address too?
Ah, right!
So, what do I tell to this pig?
Nothing. Be civilized. Show a controlled, manly sorrow.
Let the pig know that you know, but that you don't care.
Of course!
Or course! I act like nothing has happened.
Because, you know, maybe you won't believe me...
...but, if I look closely, I really don't give a shit!
Oh! Bravo!
- A man is a man... - You got it? - ...even when he's a cuckold.
- Bye. - Bye.
- See you.
- Come on, take us back to the cars. - No. Wait a moment.
What?
> Slut!
> I'll kill you! > It hurts!
> I'll kill you! Bitch! > But why...
> Why? Bitch! > Why? > Pig!
> ...you leave me alone. The only one who sent me roses in 20 years!
> What's up mr Necchi?
> What's wrong with you? > Bitch...
You're welcome.
(customers speaking spanish)
< It's useless to argue - Score for us
- Two points... - How? And this one?
- There's a meter in between. - Darling.
- You, stay calm, I serve him. What did he order? - A broth.
He went to get the knife
He're a special broth, made today.
In fact, made now just for you.
Did he bring him a broth?!
Of course, with an egg inside, to make him feel better
- Is it good? - It's a bit sour.
Of course! I pissed in it!
- Got it. How much is it? - I offer it.
No!
No.
Now you drink it all.
Come on!
Bravo!
< It's not him anymore. He acts cinically but... - You can go now.
Guys, it's serious things that can change your personality
< Let's go!
Wait! He wants to do the souvenir d'Italie.
But be careful.
(customers speaking spanish)
[The souvenir d'Italie is a touristic initiative...]
[...approved by the town hall in order to help foreign ladies...]
[...in bringing home nice views of our nice country.]
Put up the screen!
Give it to me.
- I go first. - Ok.
- Keep it high. - Focus...
...and take a picture of this church tower by Giotto. - Done!
- Now put this baptistery! - High!
- Stay there... Done! - My turn!
- Take the table cloth. - I'll take it.
- Ready? - Off with this Chapel!
- Wait! - Guys, my turn! - Shh! - What should I do?
- Pull here, they see us? - Come here!
This is a villa by Palladio!
(customers speaking spanish)
Thank you! Muchas gracias! Danke schoen!
Bitte! Prego!
Please! Madam, a beer with supercazzola under the table...
...like an unhooding straight on - Muchas gracias!
Danke schoen!
Thank you!
- Okay! - Have a nice trip!
- And come back! - Thanks!
Are they German or Dutch?
O genius! Don't you see it says Espana?
By the way, what happened to the girl with the suitcase?
Right! Poor girl! We were really mean!
Don't speak about her! Don't make me remember!
It's the regret of my life. I've been feeling bad for three years.
< Three? Five or six! Perozzi was still alive!
Alive?! He had been dead for at least one year!
> He was alive, he got the tickets with a discount!
- Come on! - Excuse me.
What is she doing?
Look! What's that?!
That's not a woman! It's a seven-leg spider!
- I find her a bit disgusting, and you? - Mee too
Of course, because you have no gymnastic-erotic fantasies!
< Look what she can do!
My love!
Brava!
Can you imagine what you can do with someone like that.
I'm not interested in fucking inside a suitcase.
Got it. You are poor ordinary people.
The different, the refined are not for you.
Lend me 10 000, then I'll tell you how it went.
And what can you do with 10 000? Where do you bring her?
I'll play the "stripe trick"
- I'll give you 2 000. - Okay.
Thanks. [The "stripe trick", like Mascetti called it...]
[...is a trick that he invented to spend a night...]
[...with dancers, tourists and so on and then disappear.] Brava!
Pase!
- May I? < You're welcome!
[He introduced himself as a Count...]
[...he told her about how much he admired her...]
[...he assured her that her talent would be wasted in such a small theater...]
[...that he knew famous producers.]
[He was shocked at the news that the poor girl was living...]
[...in one of the usual dismal hotels...]
[...and invited her to move to the best hotel in the town.]
Darling...
[The unfortunate person, with little knowledge of the language...]
[...and fascinated by the aristocratic manners of the stranger...]
[...hoping for a lucky strike and convinced by the luxury of the environment...]
[...in which the Count introduced her...]
[...wouldn't dare to refuse a night of love and thankfulness...]
[He would spend a lot...]
[...because he would have paid with the "stripe trick"...]
[...that is he got up the day after at dawn...]
[...put on a jacket with stripes, like a porter...]
[...took the service elevator...]
[...grabbed the suitcases of some customer who was coming or leaving...]
[...and went out with those in front of the night concierge...]
[...and left the hotel...]
[...coming to the end of the adventure.]
[But that time, he got much more involved.]
[He disappeared. We never heard about him.]
[Then, a month later, and pushed more by hunger then by concern...]
[...his wife came by. We told her not to worry...]
[...and then, by counting how many hotels he had already...]
[...used up with the stripe trick...]
[...we got him at the Hotel Pace in Montecatini.]
All right. Thanks.
The Sir Count told me to wait a moment.
He's coming as soon as possible, he's with the barber.
- Thanks. - You're welcome.
Guys, this must cost 150 000 a day.
- A flat even more! - And only to sleep!
- There he is! - With a new jacket!
- And shoes! God strike him! - Those come from Sassaroli.
- He gave them to him to fix them and he never saw them again. - Right!
Hello guys! How are you? What brings you here?
- You got a new jacket! - Yes, cashmere by Zanobetti.
- One million at least! - In monthly payments! < And the hotel?
- Lunch is 40 000 each, we're two. < 80 000!
Then dinner, suite, two bathrooms, hall, wardrobe.
- More or less... < 300, 350 a day.
- But breakfast is included! - Ah, then...
- You lost your mind?! - In your conditions!
- Criminal! Who pays? - What did you do?
- I found a sponsor. - A shylock!
Don't you think about your family who can't even eat!
Yes, I'm a bastard, but I don't give a shit!
I'm 55! Do you understand?
that you have one life, only and it's not coming back?
For a month I lived like in the good old days,
...when the Mascetti Counts got out with Isotta Fraschini...
...a chauffeur, a butler... - And a brown bear.
And a brown bear, indeed!
In five years I spent all my money and Alice's
It's at least 5 or 6 billions, And I'm proud of it!
I'm proud of it!
And then a spider came, who made me young again.
Give way! Poor bourgeois, tradesmen, Philistine!
For the last time, the Count Mascetti greets you and leaves.
Wait for me, darling! Gaetano, my Ferrari.
Don't worry, in three days I kill myself, I'll jump from the balcony.
Farewell!
Is it true?
Oh! Oh! Eh!
- What are you doing here? - I played the stripe trick.
- You should hide me for three or four days. Is it a problem? - No.
- Didn't you want to commit suicide? - Yes, but I reconsidered that.
(indistinguishable words)
For the hotel it's ok.
I played the stripe trick, I left the contortionist there. She'll figure it out.
- And these suitcases? - They belong to some Kriger.
Bring them to the station and get a ticket...
...that we will send to the hotel. Anonimously of course.
What else? Ah, the Ferrari! I'll give it back, I'll lose the first payment.
- You'll take it back, right? - Yes. Anything else?
After that, we just have to focus on the shylock.
I owe him less than 5 000 000
but he also wanted four encyclopedias already paid by my customers.
So I have to give them back immediately, or I end up in jail.
But, once this problem is solved everything is fine.
- In the worst case I'll hang myself in prison - What's the name of the shylock?
Sabino Capogreco. May god curse him!
Weigh it again!
Third time.
See? It's six less. Didn't I see that?
On 100 grams of lard, it's 6% less. Why should I lose the 6%?
On 300 liras, 3, 6, 18, it's almost 20 liras.
- Do as you want, mr Sabino. - as I want... it's how it is!
Take.
- Don't you want it? - Of course!
- Take it. Thank you. - Oh! You're welcome. See you!
Enjoy your meal, mr shylock.
- Who are you? I don't know you. - Friends, mr shylock.
- Who wants to warn you. - About what?
You push people to desperation...
...but a downfallen aristocratic, before going to jail...
...could do something stupid
Got it! Mascetti sent you. You tell me that he wants to kill himself?
Everybody says that: "I'll kill myself" then noone does.
And even if he does, I don't give a shit.
I got the encyclopedias as a guarantee. I sell those and I'm even.
Mr shylock, I didn't say he wanted to kill himself.
- I say he wants to kill you. - Danger is my job.
Come on! Leave me alone! Let me eat!
Look, I come to the practical side, I have a bar.
You give him the encyclopedias and we guarantee the loan. Okay?
:What do you have to lose? < He is a renowned surgeon
< Behind you, you have an architect of the municipality.
As you see, you are more than guaranteed.
And if I accept, what do I gain. With no gain I'll refuse for sure.
If you don't accept I'll kick you in the ass for sure.
I had so many! I got the habit!
Be careful! You won't get any more money!
[He was a much tougher nut to crack than us...]
[...in the end we had to sign a written contract...]
[...to give him a certain number of services...]
[...according to our possibilities and jobs.]
[We saved Mascetti...]
[...but a life of persecution and torment started.]
What's up?
What's up? The coffee is water and the pastry was made yesterday! Fix that!
- Is it going on for long still? - Of course!
The contract calls for six months of good cappuccinos and hot pastry.
We're going to laugh! [After twenty days, Carmen couldn't stand it...]
[...and Sassaroli thought about eliminating him with a poisonous injection.]
- It's ok, you can put back your clothes - And blood pressure?
We measured it five days ago. You're as healthy as a shark.
The contract says: complete and accurate visits.
Dr Melchiorri, please....
...measure the pressure. - I don't know him. I want the head physician!
[Luckily we came to the last straw]
- Hello? - Where is the professor? - Just a moment.
- Professor. - Thank you, sister.
- Who is that? > It's Sabino Capogreco.
Do you know what time it is! Half past two!
- Mr Sabino, go fuck yourself! > But I'm feeling bad!
Hello?
- What do you feel? > Pain.
- Pain where? > Here near the kidney.
- Ouch! ouch! > What?
- Ouch! ouch! > Oh God, what's that?
No, don't worry. Stay still, I'll take care of it immediately.
I'll send you an ambulance, emergency room.
[The day after that, while we were betting on football....]
[...Sassaroli made a triumphal entrance...]
[...and announced with the sound of the trumpets in Aida...]
Guys! He's ours!
I tied him to the bed. We'll have him pay for everything.
Revenge!
#Yes, revenge, terrible revenge is all that my heart desires.#
# The hour of your punishment hastens on, that hour which will be your last.#
#Parapo, parapo, parapo pon pon pon pon.#
#Fratelli d'Italia, l'Italia s'è desta....#
#...dell'elmo di Scipio s'è cinta la testa...#
- The contortionist! Block her! - Raffaello!
The girl with the suitcase!
- Good evening. - How can I help you?
- Raffaello, donde esta? - The Count was here just a moment ago.
He must be in the toilet. I'll call him.
> Busy! - Sir Count, a young lady asks for you.
- That pig of your mother
- Raffaello! - Carmensita, my love! Where were you? - Me?
- Yes! I looked for you everywhere. I couldn't find you. - True, true.
He was desperate. He always asked: "Where did Carmensita end up?".
(with a Spanish accent) I walked a lot.
Es luck that I found this ticket in your pocket...
...with an address of this place. Look. -Ah! The bill!
If you paid the bill of the restaurant, this wouldn't happen.
But why did you leave? No has telefonado! Nada!
Darling, I'm a businessman
Blinda the premature supercazzola, a matter of cheques
Tapia tapioca tapiocaterapia, in dollars, pounds...
...tieshoe, shoetie, things in the hotel. But you?
- They threw me out of the hotel. - Rascals! It's absurd.
They left me only my suitcase.
- Mira. Empty, nada. - I'll show them now. I'm going to the hotel.
< No! You stop! I got you. Yo no soy stupid.
You want to run away you tired of mi.
But I'm going nowhere.
I lost everything, my jacket, my fur, my ring, my job.
- What do I do now? - (,Qué lavoro hace usted, senorita?
Right, you don't know her, sir.
He is Sassaroli, a big producer.
The lady is a contortionist and with this suitcase...
...she makes an exceptional show - Never seen anything like that!
Mucho gusto, senorita.
- (,Qué lavoro es éste? - Extraordinary!
She twists and fits inside this small suitcase.
- And she closes it. - No es posible.
No? We have all seen that!
- Show him! - Yes! Let's move everything!
- Sassaroli, what are you up to? - Wait, let's see...
- Let's see what? - Maybe she will be hired
- But where? - For my circus chain. Los Circos Sassaroles.
Of course, yo no prometto nada.
Primero, tengo que veder. Usted es libre?
Of course she's free. Come on! Show him.
No, guys!
You don't want to stop her career, egoist! She has a future in the suitcase.
- How can she breathe? - There are holes!
Ah, are there? Then, senorita, bueno. Acomodase.
- I can't work without music. - Music? Immediately!
- Music! - I'm going to the juke box.
- Well! - Gracias.
The atmosphere is ready!
It's extraordinary, professor
- Never seen anything like that. - There you are.
Come on
- Attention! - Brava! - Silence!
- Well! - Let's go, quick!
go, go. Op! Op! Op!
She's going.
- Run! - Quick, he's leaving!
She's settled.
Is it here?
Very clear
ow ow ow ouch.
Why this "ow ow ow ouch"?
Can I know what's the matter? What do I have? Is it serious?
< No, not really desperate, no.
- Desperate? - Do you have relatives? - Why?
It would be nice to let them know.
About what?
That you have an urgent operation.
< A serious one.
Do you see these two pigsties?
Pigsties? What are they?
Your kidneys. Left and right. We have to take them out.
Is it a joke? How does one live without kidneys?
You die!
< Let's not jump to conclusions.
The situation is serious. I told you.
We have to find a donor for a transplant.
< Donor means he gives it away for free?
Someone gives away a good kidney
and you want him to do that for free? - He'd be a fool!
I would have one. a parasitic nephew...
...I disinherited him. I could make a small change...
...to my will and pay him when I die.
Because they told me that transplants between relatives...
...end up better. - Old theories.
In fact, it's the opposite, recent research proved...
...that transplants between close relatives are like marriage: abortions.
One hundred percent, guaranteed rejection.
Then we must absolutely find a stranger.
May I?
- Then it's really true. Both of them? - Yes.
Poor Sabino, I'm so sorry. Who would have told...
...a man so healthy, so active.
It's true, life is like that...
...one day you're here, next day you're in the tomb. Be brave.
< What tomb! I only need
someone to give me a kidney... < Like it's nothing!
- In 24 hours. - By paying.
Life has no price.
Why? He needs a kidney? And if he finds it he's safe?
Sure, one hundred percent.
But then, Sabino, I'll give it to you. How? You helped me...
...when I needed! And now I'm here.
How much would you pay?
- The current market value of a kidney - Eh!
Why "eh"? - It's millions!
No, Sabino, let's make a nice thing. You forgive my loans...
...and I give you a kidney. You don't pay a cent and we're even.
I got good kidneys, do you want to see me pissing?
- Stay there! - We need a blood donor...
...for such a difficult operation. - Right
- It's not important now! - no! It's not that easy...
...as you think. You have a blood group that is...
...very difficult to find: X-1-2.
- What? What? What? < X-1-2.
It's mine!
What a coincidence!
Yes, it's my blood group. I'll transfuse my blood.
Mr Sabino, you were born lucky.
Come on, a coagulant injection tonight
...an evacuating enema and we meet tomorrow...
...in the operation theatre. - So nice!
[mr Sabino took the enema and other...]
[...evacuating cures. He never entered the operation theatre.]
[A good dose of anesthetic sent him for a dream...]
[...long enough to bandage him like a baby...]
[...and wait together for his awakening.]
He's waking up!
Wake up! wake up!
Can you hear me? Who am I?
Sassaroli
Professor Sassaroli. Bravo!
- How many? - Three.
Bravo! You are very alert! How tough! Look here....
...smile. Smile! There you go. - Am I dead?
< No! All is good. All is perfect.
- You're safe! - Am I?
In a few days, you'll be out...
...and you have to thank these friends of yours.
- What do they have? - What do you mean?
I operated on them for you. Him, too.
He gave you a piece of skin from the buttocks...
...for the plastic surgery of the scar. You will not be able to see a thing!
Ouch! it burns! it burns! I can't even remain flat on my back!
Did you stick on me a piece of skin from his ass?
Sure, he gave you his kidney, I gave you my ass.
I don't want to know.
Look, if I knew it was so painful....
...I wouldn't have given my kidney to you! I gave it to you!
What a pain! What a pain!
I got two out, and I don't feel anything.
You know, mr Sabino, you're a special case.
They asked for a report in a scientific journal.
- With pictures. - I don't give away my pictures for free!
You have to. It's a scientific and civil obligation. Attention!
All the donors with the patient in the picture for the journal.
- It doesn't get up anymore! - Quick, quick!
- My kidney hurts! - with the renowned clinician...
...and the saved patient.
Here I am. Come on. Smile!
[Naturally, Sassaroli accelerated as much as possible...]
[...our recovery, and he sent us home...]
[...in good health and ready to party for the healing...]
[...with a field trip and a dinner in a well known trattoria...]
[... in the surroundings, of course offered by Sabino the shylock.]
Do you piss well now?
I also did before.
So, you have to thank us all that brought you back to the world
...back to the world. With a nice dinner, a nice drink, and a fire.
Fire? What fire?
A fire with those loan bills, in exchange for the kidney I gave you.
- According to the agreement. - Which agreement?
You said that, I didn't promise anything.
To be generouse, I could give up the interest:
...never the capital! - But how, you ugly scum...
...you take back your word? - I never said anything!
- Disgusting toad! - I was also there....
...I was also there We were all there.
- All witnesses. - What? What?
They're promises you extorted. Taking advantage of a disabled person.
Stuff you said. You took advantage of a poor man...
...who was going to die. And I would be the shylock, the vampire?
I will report you to the police....
...the five of you!
Stop! Stop!
Get out of here, disgusting toad!
- Dirty worm! - Tapeworm! - Out!
I'm going out. Anyway I had to take a shit.
I haven't done it in three days.
- Sewer rat. - See you.
- Farewell! - Who wants to see you again?
- And we leave him like that? - No, no, just a moment.
Can you let me get out?
There.
[What is genius? It's creativity, intuition....]
[...quick evaluations and speed of execution.]
- Ah! Ah! - Got it?
We're going for a laugh.
I took it!
Where is it?
Oh God what's that?
Oh my God!
Come on, quick!
Come on, we're not dogs like you.
We waited for you.
We're civilized. We're human beings.
Come on!
- But how? - You are not feeling well, what's up?
True, he's pale!
Maybe the scar hurts.
Is it some after effect of the operation?
It could be, you never know. How do you feel?
I don't know I don't understand. I was sure I did it, everything fine
- Constipation? - No. - Diarrhea?
No. Normal, I tell you. Everything as usual. I'm telling you....
...if I say that then it's true, isn't it? - So?
So, so, so, there's nothing.
Nothing? How nothing?
It's not there. I did it I go check...
...it's not there. Nothing on the ground.
- Ow ow ow ouch! - What's "ow ow ouch"?
I've never heard anything like that.
And it's twenty years that I work for crime news.
- I don't know.
Professor, what could have happened?
- ow ow ouch! - What "ow ow ouch"? Again?
It's a typical case of defecatio hysterica.
You have a clear impression of defecating, but nothing comes out.
Like hysterical pregnancy.
- Yes, more or less. - Is it serious?
It depends. The rectum is hit by hysterical atony.
- If it doesn't unlock itself it's the end. - But then it unlocks.
- Never! - Never?
That is, you have to help it. You need an anal transplant.
You need to operate quickly.
Ow ow ouch, we might still be in time, guys!
White napkin!
- Run, full speed! - To the hospital!
But where do we find an asshole donor?
I can give him half, but first we go to the notary!
[It's been six years since then.]
[We are in one of those moments of depression and crysis...]
[that our poor Perozzi called "realization of our nothingness"...]
[that Necchi called "we are four poor fools".]
[In the end in such days we should rather stay alone.]
[But instead we stay together, although we have nothing to say.]
[But what do we miss? We feel good, life is always good...]
[...and the future is full of promises.]
- Gambrinus, "The time of beans"....
...Excelsior, "The time of faggots". Odeon...
- Oh, genius! aren't you ashamed at your age and in your position?
To make such silly jokes. Come on!
Since I'm an important man I can allow myself to be a fool
It's people who aren't worth a thing like you who can't afford it.
- Do you think you are worth more than me? - Of course.
Remember that my family appears in the history of Florence...
...since 1191. And we had a castle in Figline Valdarno.
Two palaces in the town
while you were still slaves and shit loaders.
Words are worth nothing.
Today, Everything has a market value.
- Why? - How much are you worth on the market?
- Is there a market for men? - Of course....
...didn't you read the newspaper?
To free the ship owner, Pedretti...
...they paid a two billion ransom.
- How much would they ask for you? - Nothing
- They wouldn't even steal him. - See?
It's the ruthless law of the market.
Shut up, vulgar tradesman.
So, if they kidnapped my and asked for....
...two billions for ransom, you wouldn't move...
...a finger to free me? - Oh, Raffaello....
...why should we make such an unreal hypothesis?
...and a useless one? - No, it's useful, very useful....
...because that lets me know finally whom am I with.
Let's see, let's start from you, Melandri.
Eh, eh...
Raffaello, you know, I'm alone in this world.
If you take that ground floor flat in the city centre....
...a villa in the countryside, those rare books...
...that I love, about ten family pieces of furniture...
...that after all those years are a true part of myself...
...a few famous paintings, that would be a crime to sell...
...since they raise in value every year, what do I have?
And you?
< Lello, I have a good restaurant....
...a wonderful bar, a pool room but I don't own a thing...
...everything is owned by Carmen! What can I give you?
Born of humble origin, it took a life of sacrifice...
...to get a position in the field of medicine....
...a villa in the hills, and a luxury hospital
Should I start again? At my age?
Never!
So for you, friendship is nothing!
You would be inclined to have me killed by the bandits?
Mors tua, vita mea.
And I thought that my feelings were reciprocated!
I would have given everything...
...I own, without wavering, for you.
Of course: you got nothing!
Two different chairs, and a toilet with no seat.
And a debt of 30 visits from me.
Yes, you opened my eyes.
They kidnapped me. you didn't pay, dirty scoundrels....
they cut my ear and they sent it to you.
And they killed me.
But you are the actual assassins! You dirty scum...
...that I considered like brothers. Brothers killed brothers.
You will never see me again
Cains!
[Now they're calling me again, they know me, they'll call me again]
[Yes, we laugh, we say we are assholes for a while...]
[...and we invent something to spend the evening.]
Raffaello!
Come here, don't be a fool.
We'll pay the ransom!
Raffaello!
If they send me your dick I sell my hospital!
Look, Raffaello, we are passing the hat
- Raffaello! - Raffaello!
What's up? Is it a joke?
Lay him down!
[I had a small house in the countryside between Pisa and Lucca....]
[...which I never used, I gave it to Mascetti...]
[...so that he had a real house for his family...]
[...and some land to keep a garden and some hens.]
[Then, with a few scams by Melandri in the Town Hall....]
[...and by myself for the health insurance, we got him a pension...]
[...for "work related handicap".]
Come, Lellino.
You're doing well!
Now, Melandri, take him around
Take him around.
- I let him go. - No wait.
- Gentle, pay attention. - What are we doing?
Giro d'Italia?
Now the leg, first the good one.
- Are you happy? - Go, now the other one.
- How do you like it? - It's the latest model!
Ultralight race model.
He was better on his armchair right Lellino?
I was better when I was better
Prepare the dinner.
Yes, are you all staying, right?
- Of course - Thank you
So what can you tell us.
You're fine, you look like Roosevelt!
Let's go around.
I find you very very well, you know.
Yes! You're really improving quickly.
Every time you come here, you find that I'm improving.
- Lello, can you feel the leg? - What the fuck are you talking about?
I hear it. When I hit it.
I'm not deaf, I'm paralytic.
Don't say "paralytic".
Psychological factors are important
- Should I say "paraculo"? - We don't say paralytic....
we say paraplegic. - Even the blind...
...now are called unsighted. - Right.
For example, the impotent are not impotent any more, they are unfucking.
Now you are an unfucking paraplegic.
I'm more fucking that you, and more that before.
But whom should I fuck? That one?
Look how she's happy now.
At last I'm all hers, she owns me, I can't run away.
She cuddles me, she washes me, she combs me, she puts on the baby powder.
She prepares my food.
Look what a nice chair has granpa got.
Take, dad. I'll leave it to you. I changed him.
...I'll leave it to you, I just
Stay with granpa.
Grandpa my balls.
Look, they throw him to me like I'm an urinal....
and then he pisses on me. Shut up, don't break my balls!
They want me to feel useful.
but I don't give a shit...
I've always been useless...
Now he shits on me.
But free, God, I was free.
I have always been. Until she came....
this fucking Hemi.
Who is Hemi?
Hemiparesis. Who did you think it is? A beautiful girl?
- He said Hemi.... - Shut up, shut up.
Listen, don't come here again, please.
When I see you I feel worse.
I think, I remember, I envy you.
Let's do like we did with the poor Perozzi.
One down.
Do the same for the poor Mascetti. Two down.
There is no goal anymore, I don't enjoy it.
- Don't say that. - Are you crazy?
We'll always find a way to have a laugh.
We invent so many foolish things!
- Until there's life. - I don't enjoy it.
Come on.
Take your place.
Ready?
Come on Lello, the start is important!
Go, Lello! Don't be discouraged!
Go, Raffaello!
Bravo!
Pisa! Pisa!
Push! Push! You're alone!
Go on! Go on!
Come on!
- Run! Go! - Bravo, Raffaello!
It's the taking part that counts!
Subtitles synced by Babak Mojabi sbmojabi@gmail.com